Sinigang Sinigang For The Soul

Unrequited Love
comment 4 Comments October 22, 2007 – 11:51 pm


“Hi. Kath? This is Jason. Jason Angeles.” Total Silence.

“Are you there? Please don’t hang-up.”

“Yes, I am here.”

“Ok. Sorry… ummmm, long time huh?!”

“Yes.” Dead silence.

“I see. Ok, let me pull myself together here. Wow, I’m suddenly lost for words. It seems that after all these years, you’re still cold to me. Are you still mad? I mean, hey. How do you do it? I just wonder. How you can sleep at night while I can’t? How you can go on with your life as if I never existed while I live with your memory everyday? How you can resist writing back to every letter I sent trying to fix the mess I did while I cry myself each night wishing I didn’t do what I did six years ago?”

“Six long years Kath. Add 3 years of wonderful friendship. You’ve been here with me for nine years. I see you in everything. There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry. I’m sounding desperate here. There is something you can do for me though. If you’ll only help me end the misery and pain now- I’ll let you be and maybe I’ll have my peace and I can then go on with my life the way you can…”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Speak to me, Kath. Please. Perhaps, with your reception tonight I can safely assume that you want nothing to do with me anymore-not even my friendship. That’s awfully sad. You’re crushing me again. You’ve completely tore my heart. I wish you can feel my pain…”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Ok, ok. Sigh. This is really getting difficult. What I need, what I want you to do was the same thing I wanted you to do years ago. I need closure. I begged you a long time ago to just let go of me totally. Tell me outright that you didn’t want even my friendship. I never heard from you. You never said anything. I hang on. It’s crazy to have hang on but I had faith in you, Kath. I had faith in our friendship. I thought the three years we’ve had could make up for my carelessness. I took really good care of you. I put you on a pedestal. you were my inspiration. Gad, you were my life. I haven’t moved on. I couldn’t move on. How can I? We had so much promise.”

“Let go, Jason. I’m sorry. I… I’ve moved on a long time ago. I hope that is clear to you now. We are literally worlds apart, we always have been. There is no reason why we should still keep in touch.”

“I see. You’re tough Kath. What happened? I can not feel any emotion in your tone. It’s as if you’re a different person.”

“Yes, Jason. I am a different person. I’m not the same Katherine six, even nine years ago. You ought to move on with your life as well. I’m going back to Tokyo for good this month. Go find a girl you deserve. Get married. Have kids.”

“Right. I don’t know what to say. I’ve waited all this time to talk to you- I’ve yearned to see your face and all I get is this phone conversation. But for the last time, let me say this: I love you. I don’t know why you have this so much effect on me. But I loved you from the moment I saw you, to the person that you were and to the person that you are, I love you. And if what you want is for me to let go. I will, only because you asked me to. This is unbelievable… But I will. I’ll do it for my sanity and what’s left of my dignity.”

“Goodbye, Jason. Have a good life”

“This is it. Nine years and you’re freeing me of my heavy load! This is bittersweet goodbye… Well, I guess from hereon you won’t ever have to hear from me again, huh. (nervous laugh) I won’t keep you then. Goodbye Katherine. Have the best of life.”

“Goodbye, Jason.”

I still blame myself for what happened. My story is classic. I should have known better how to handle it. It’s been written, it’s been talked about- I didn’t see it coming to me! I who fell in love with my best friend. I whose only fault was build my world around her.

We had the best of times and the best of everything. We shared our best cries and laughs and worst imaginable moments with each other. I knew she cared and loved me but not in the way I did. But that’s okay. I shouldn’t have confessed. I should have been contented! What was I thinking?! I didn’t even get that far in my dreams what to do next after telling her. I didn’t expect to be loved the same way. I only wanted the truth out and hoped that she’ll take it and we’ll just both laugh hard about the whole thing. She didn’t find it funny.

Perhaps from the very start it wasn’t meant to be. I met her in Thailand, a country both foreign to us. We hit it off right away! We shared three beautiful years of friendship. She with her boyfriends on the side and me with mine. We were just friends. However, not for long. One day, it hit me. I suddenly saw her in a different way- in a much deeper level. All that while doing the dishes with her after a usual shared dinner. I did it! I broke the first law of friendship; Never fall in love with your best friend. And still I broke the second law; If you did, never tell.

We went separate ways when she was re-assigned to Chicago and me, back to the Philippines. That was when I told her. I feared not seeing her again and hence compelled I had to tell her. How was I to know she would feel betrayed?! For six years I tracked her down. She was all over the US on re-assignments. I wrote her letters and e-mails. I kept writing and convinced myself that maybe the letters I sent didn’t reach her. I called many times. She changed numbers many times. I should have taken her elusiveness as hint but I was hopeful. I really had faith in her.

I worked so hard the last six years to get a working visa to the US… All for her. All to see her again after six years. And the phone conversation didn’t quite turn out the way I imagined it to be. She will never know I was calling her a street away from her apartment building in New York. That I finally made it to the US. We both dreamed of working and living here. She will never know I did this all for her…

Was I right to give up on her now? Was I right to end the madness? Was I right not to insist that I was the one for her all along? Do I deserve all these? I did my last cry. I reckoned and submit that there are just things not meant to be… even the greatest of love.

The fairytale had to end. I’ve been grieving for six years. Today, I bury my ghost. Today I’m bidding farewell to a lost friend with a smile on my face. I no longer see nor smell her in the crowd. I don’t see her as much when I close my eyes. I don’t see her when I ride the subway or have my coffee at Starbucks or while listening to tunes at Tower Records. I no longer see her in my favorite bookstore or while walking in the park. I’m free of my past. I’m free of my ghost. I’m in the US anything can happen!

This is the end of my beginning.

– 9 april 2005 ©

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